FOCUS FOR US

The dry desert heat
Don't pay attention to sorrow
"My throat burns, my Love"
"Focus, my child, you'll see tomorrow"

Not another day, please, no more
No relief for my chief of injustice
Moment after moment
They pounce, pull, and try to bust us up

"Your LOVE is wrong...
Your LOVE fails...
Your LOVE has no salvation
Your LOVE has no healing....
   He's the ONE who is always stealing
         our...precious!"

"My LOVE, I can take the heat
The parched tongue, the rattle in my chest
But for your LOVE to have surrounded
The worst with your best, 
    and the only WORD...I hear....

is..........FAILURE......."

"In spite of all the wrong
The seeds have been planted, watered, and sheltered
     Fruit will be harvested in season
No reason to leave in grief
No noose of shame around your neck
     Drink in the desert, from the well of living water

Focus on seeing me....face to face


Written by Trudy Schrader on 12-28-2017

PROVISION DIVISION

He came to us as a pauper
With no money or home to His name
A borrowed manger as a bed
Our God without royalty or fame

King of Kings and Lord of Lords
Should have riches untold
He should bring to humanity
Limitless jewels and pots of gold

He should be on a White Horse
With throngs of soldiers of might and power
To deliver the helpless and orphaned
From the claws of injustice scraping to devour

....children

An infant, a baby, is our king
Even worse, hidden from the world's authority
Didn't God know how the system works
No way can you win if you are part of the minority

He came up just like any other child
Going through the process of growth
Showing through example
You can LOVE or be rich, but not both

Even on the Cross, as He gave His life
A broken heart gushing out His side
Believers disappointed that He was just a man
And the hoped for deliverance, He didn't provide 

When He resurrected and heart's began to change
He dined with friends and family with the new life in Him, gained
Yet, still misunderstood....

Today, we are not any different 
Hoping for our Savior to appear and take us to a party in the sky
As a parent, would we want our children
To take our provision, judge us with division, then ask us why
....our sacrifice didn't measure up to THE IMAGE...

His lavish sacrifice is more than enough for me.

Written by Trudy Schrader on 12-23-2017

Note: Thank God, He went before me, showed me what I would have to overcome, which gives me the hope I need to hold on and continue to wait, with passion, for His soon return.

CLANGING CHRISTMAS

There's a reason
I can't be happy in this season
While others greatest wishes come true
Another year has brought me nothing new

Oh, don't get me wrong
I'll participate and play along
That my world is fine and dandy
Baking up cookies and candy

But the truth has a chock hold around my neck
Not one person will care to check
If I'm happy
If sad, sorrowful, glad....
........or still freakin' grieving

I know what they think
Their 'get over it' words, clink
Against my armor
Oh, are you surprised at the noise
Did you expect me to bring toys
....to the party

At least if I cause a clammer
Someone might ask me what's the matter
Oh, and when they do....

I know just how to work it
My sarcastic humor will bring them low
Their super fake attitude
Will crack and show
....red hot anger

I know the grieving process
And I know where I am stuck
Down in this tar pit
Of black filthy muck

At least with the undeniable presence
Surrounding my very essence
They will have to acknowledge...me
I'm not stupid, I'm ugly at best
But I will not get cleaned up, so they can rest
In smoothing over my grief-stricken reality

I have lost....everything....and no one cares to see
They just want me to be...free

Flying like a bird without a care
But my heart, yes, I still have one
Hangs on with every ounce of hope
That maybe, just maybe, my living isn't done

If I can do just one good thing
Before I pack up and go
Then I might be willing
To stop allowing my anger to blow

In every direction
Toward those who demand perfection
In order to love me
I know it's hidden
That I am guilt-ridden
By the way I deal with my reality

....please, don't leave me

Written by Trudy Schrader on 12-23-2017

Note: This is written for the multitude who are grieving and not fitting in to the festivities. You are not alone, and LOVE never fails....because if HE did, I would give up hope.

HEALING GARDENS: Marriage (6)

In the dead of night
He swept, gently, into my garden
His fragrance was
~Manna~
I invited Him in
As the Healing Angels
Sung "Holy, HOLY...
      is the LORD God Almighty."

He laid out peace in my bed
And covered my naked head
Claiming me as His own
He put a ring on my finger
Told me He could not linger
He was leaving to build me a home

I was given a task for the end of time
To expose and conquer fears that twist and bind
Me to this world
A promise to return and a passion for my love
With Heavenly Host from above
To aid His little girl

LOVE NEVER FAILS

As He left, a seal was placed on my door
So that I could work in peace, digging deep into my garden floor

...seriously!

Why would I believe I'm ugly
Why would I believe I'm evil
I'm wrong
I caused good men to do wicked things
I'm undesirable
No ONE wants me
I'm rejected, despised
I'm......alone
I'm, unlovable

I lie on the dirt
Deep in my wide pit
Crying tears of sorrow
In a tired, angry fit

My love came, and found me
Reaching down to lift me out
Gave me a seed of  "hope"
As I surrendered to Him, my doubt

We planted the seed together
And filled the pit with soil
He took out a lamp
And poured out His oil

Over the seed, and over me
Saying, "Never give up hope."
My Love is made to soar
Never grovel and grope

....for answers

Many visits, from my Love
Came through the years of preparation
Careful to give oil and fire
To build my anticipation

....for our marriage

Why would anyone be married to LOVE
There is no natural reason
His ways are far above mine
In all times and in every season

During the work in the Healing Gardens
I came to understand
That fear claimed Eden's Land
And LOVE has won it back, in me

Written by Trudy Schrader on 12-20-2017

HEALING GARDENS: Unpacking Company (5)

With the area
Cleaned and swept
They came to see
How good company is kept

With drinks and cheese
Fruit and veggies to boot
Pull up a chair
And let's count our loot

....hold up...

Something's....off

My heart isn't connecting
...no, is resisting
The company at my table
"Oh, now, who are you
To judge company
Not nice to label...

.....your friends."

"My Love, I call upon your name
See if there be any wicked way between us
Reveal any lies my faith buys
And line up my WORD and DEED with what God loves."

Suddenly, LIGHT shone upon my guests
And I saw them as hindrances to my quest
I called them out, by name
Pride, Deceit, Lust and Shame

.....be gone...I don't need you anymore....and never come back

They left my garden
The table and chairs, disappeared
I was left in silence
With my inadequacies and fear

....of being noone

It took forever to SEE
The company I used for warmth and cover
Guarding against my vulnerablity
Of  being discovered
       ~as a fraud~

The more I walked with Love
The more pronounced was the rejection
Of every satisfaction
I gave myself in a fear connection

Reciprocity Velocity
I'm entitled to all I could possibly desire
Scratching the allergic itch
That fuels the passion to a roaring fire

After all the company was unpacked
Revealed lies that I could ever lack
....Jesus took me underground
I saw the gray roots
Feeding the poisonous fruit
....as Love opened up the well He found

....."Spring up ole well, within my soul..."

Written by Trudy Schrader on 12-19-2017

HEALING GARDENS: Fuel for the Fire (4)

The passage of time
Is inconsequential 
'Til Revelation appears
And it becomes providential
 ~uncovering Truth~

The realization
That hidden treasures
Lie just beneath the ground
While vibrations yield
To weights and meaures
In the making of sound

I'm so weary
I just want the work over and done
The church talks of a Rapture
I'd really like Him to come

...and put an end to this fruitless work

Suddenly, FIRE
FIRE upon my land
I'm going to die...here...
I don't understand

My Lord, rescue me
Please, don't let me burn
I've suffered enough
Give someone else a turn

"My child, this is not a suffering contest
The fire will purify the ground
It will reveal the value
Of the treasures you have found"

During the fire
Anger raged a war
Against all who
Used my land for

~self~

My breathe of life
Filled with ash and smoke
My throat closed
As I allowed death to choke

....out all desire...to live

Shhhhhhh...... silence.....deafening, reverberations from the lonely vibrations

of.................................entitlements, I need, I want, I should have

nothing....

Settled and darkened by the fire
The rain began to fall upon my field of desire
The fertilizer was delivered
And through the son, my heart quivered

Life had returned

All of my hope 
Anchored in wavering nouns
Til the Fire of Heaven
Consumed my ground

My position is set 
The lifelong work has begun
I will work my resurrected garden
'Til my Love speaks, "Your work is done."

Written by Trudy Schrader on 12-18-2017

Note: The Fire is system failure. It reveals where your anchor lies. Mine was anchored in a definition of 'Trust' that could never be achieved, not humanly possible to be infallible. So, I had to redefine 'Trust,' and my life was reordered around the new definition. There are so many breakthroughs that are possible if each one of us will take the time to see what we believe, is it based in lies/truth, and is it movable. Love never fails, it's worth anchoring hope in Love.

HEALING GARDENS:The Break Up (3)

Freedom
How do I free up the land
I haven't any tools
To hold in my hand

Can't you just...
Wave a magic wand
Speak one of those WORDS
My salvation is founded on...

Awww....now we come to it...WORD

How do you suppose I was concieved
Shall Daddy God have natural seed
When it is written, GOD IS SPIRIT
And those who worship Him must worship Him
         ........in SPIRIT......and TRUTH

Meaning, leaning, gleaning, and all this confounded cleaning....

Speak clearly, my love
How shall I proceed
With snakes,spiders, and worms
Trying to take the lead

I'm tired before I've begun
Isn't it enough to see the SON
To feel the rain on my skin
Being naked to let it in

Little One, shall a surgeon
Crack open a head
Dive in to relieve
The condition of being dead

Pointless endeavors without patience
Always lead to running around a bush
Keeping ever busy
Bowing down to the pull and push

Patience is the key to love
The scalpel is your sword
The War is won
And the Battle is the Lord's

Oh, please, stop with the Jesus Mumbo Jumbo
None of that has made a dent in this mess

............NO!.....your position.......is the problem

"My God, have mercy on me....a sinner....I'm so afraid!"

Am I magic, my sweet child
How did I bring you to the ground
It was WORD spoken over territory
And your humility has been found

Do you see that your position
Puts you in intimate contact with connection
Where you can cut with patience
And embrace your rejection

But my Love, I've been rejected my whole life
By those who used me up and spit me out
Who, in their right mind
Would embrace rejection to show they are devout

Even down there, you still can't see
YOU aren't at the center of this work
Patience is the key to LOVE
Cutting every connection where FEAR lurks

Fear is no longer part of your life
As you have committed to LOVE
Nothing or noone
Can proceed, come before, be above

Wisdom is your authority
WORD is your only tool
Faith is your currency
And LOVE is who RULES

As LOVE's presence
Seemingly left me alone
I reminded myself
That LOVE is on my throne

So I took my tool
And began to speak over the black connection
Not allowing fear to speak
Through other's confession

I began to walk away.....

The gray matter thinned
As I took away fear's couch
With no place to lay
Fear's stance became a slouch

Courage, my little girl, gather your courage

All it took was experiencing the change
I began to allow LOVE to embody His beautiful name

"Help me, my Love, break up the fallow ground
Let the light of your Truth be the vibration that resounds

............in my garden."

Written by Trudy Schrader on 12-17-2017

HEALING GARDENS:Surveying the Land (2)

This...
This can't be my mind
The light is shining
So afraid of what I'll find

It looks daunting...
Is there a beginning, an end
Where do I start
How can I defend

Love led me to the place
Where property lines marked the ground
No way to work the garden
'Til ownership is found

There were dark black vines
Connected to others, outside my lines
I asked my Love, "What could this be?"
He answered, "Connections made without me."

"...so, connections without love
But why are they black?"
"When faith buys fear
It pulls to self what self believes it lacks"

"If I believe I lack for nothing
And you are my provision
Will the connections cease to be
Creating a clearly marked division?"

Light allowed you see
Truth obliterates lies
Love guides your steps
And grace abounds where deception ties

"You are not bound to the land
The land is released to you.
Will you take on the work of gardening
Committing to LOVE, to see it through

Storms, trials, battles, 
Disasters, tragedies and grief
Never resting from labor
Or hoping in relief."

"I don't want to, my Lord.
The task threatens to snuff out hope
What if I get the end of my life
And have no outcome to show...

my worth......"

"MY life shows that."

Written by Trudy Schrader on 12-16-2017

HEALING GARDEN:Revelation Station (1)

In the beginning
I walked, choosing my steps
     ~with Grace~
But one day
My Love, led me
....to a very dark place

"No light! There's no Light!"
I wanted to believe the black
Was a certain sign
That my Love lacked
      ~compassion~

Love compelled me forward
While fear pulled me back
The war raged
Between TRUTH and fact

Then, finally, I came to it
THE place of my final work
No audiences to please or people to see...me
Just hellacious cutting, while creatures lurk
.....waiting for opportunity....

"No reward! There's no reward, my Lord!"
With no relief in sight
I used my anger
To pierce my night

Swoosh! Clang! Sit! Weep!
Rocks and trees, with no fruit for food
Just rot and muck
With this frustrated mood

After years of work, never letting up
I finally saw the SON break overhead
Love shone on the areas
Where I avoided with dread

"Wolves! Wolves wait for me in the corner!"
Their teeth are sharp for the tear
Love compels me to approach
With my skin completely bare

.....to be eaten...alive....or, maybe, already dead...

"I have not been given a spirit of fear, but of love, joy, and a sound.....mind..."

Oh, my Love, this is my mind
This place of horror,dread, and fear
How did these wolves come to live here
Please give sight to my blind

I saw, for the very first time, the system of fear
And glimpsed the heart of My Love, bringing me here

...led me Lord, I will follow.

Written by Trudy Schrader on 12-13-17

GOING INSIDE...To hide

There he is
Creature so big and tall
But Mama will keep me safe
....from ALL...

I'll just rest
On her breast
Drinking in the elixir of her soul
She loves me
I'm her destiny
Her presence surrounds my hole

His armor
His power lurks overhead
If he touches me
I'll be dead

Mama holds me
On her lap
Her hands stroke my hair
In her eyes
Hope appears 
And I no longer care

I'm walking
He's talking
I want my Mama.....

I'm talking
He doesn't hear
He touched me
With his hand...I learned fear

Why do I have a cave
Why does he have a rod
Where is Mama, hope
Who is THIS god

Mama isn't coming
When did she leave...me
I know she hears my screams
But she turns, and I see

....I must hide...inside

Am I a me
Or was I a part of her...shattered soul
Either way
With this dark cave, I'm sentenced to death...
.......nowhere to grow
....................how will I be whole

My company grew, inside
No one likes alone
In the hidden
I've made myself a very nice home

It's a place where all my people hear
They listen to my every command
And they yell at me
When I demand....silence

I've decided, to stay here
And stop hoping for change
Armored men surround me
Some are known, but most are strange

Love can't heal this hole
Don't ask me to know
Men....
Who never care to listen
To little girls who glisten
For them

The call of the Wild.....ahOOOOO!!!!

Written by Trudy Schrader on 12-08-2017


Note: This is dedicated to the baby boomers who were forced to marry before their childhood had even begun, motherhood thrusts upon their wombs while they, themselves, called for their mothers. The cry of humanity, know me, hear me, love me, for who I am, not how I can be useful for someone's agenda.

THE EMPTY SHELL

I didn't get my fullness of years
Til you left me, here...in a pool of grief and tears

Why did you leave?
Did your wings mature while I was getting food
My nest is empty, ugly, pointless
Nude

No one wants to see me naked
Vulnerability makes me look sick, pale
Self-pity is off putting
Like a board with a rusty nail

Always cautious of each step

I gather myself today, and move
Not back, forward, always forward
Northward, where all rivers flow
Grief has removed the babbling brook
From the time my loss took
Without one reason, my soul shook you out of my "know."

I can't "know" you anymore
Your presence lined my waters with hope
I feel out of sorts, no boundaries to guide my love
It just is

It's there...LOVE

But I have lost the will to "know."



Written by Trudy Schrader on 11-10-2017


Note: Grief is so difficult. It just takes to much energy to fight the embrace of loss. Day after day, LOVE remains, but I don't want to embrace this loss. It's easier to just glance at it ever once in a while, and cry.

MEANING ~LIFE

When you feel the best of life is through
And you can no longer be what you do
Flow with LOVE to depths unknown
Experiencing the fruit of what you've sown

That smile you rendered in midst of grief
Brought a tattered soul, grounded relief
The last five dollars in your pocket
Bought back the beggar's treasured locket

A touch of compassion, reaching for a woman's hand
Gave her the needed reason to survive
Your laughter of pure joy
Helped a cancer patient feel fully alive

Definitions, by nature, have limitless frames
Hemming the soul in with pressures of building names
But LOVE and its rainbow flow
Paints you through the thirsty soul....

   ~Giving HOPE to grow,

                   beyond everything you think you know ~

Written by Trudy Schrader on 10-6-2017

DECISION MAKING

Decision Making/Choice/Will is the whole point of Creation. The more I learn about The Kingdom of Love, the complexity falls away, and I am left with pure Truth. To behold HIM, is worth everything it costs me and is worth sharing with whosoever will. So, we will begin with some basics, then differences between the two systems, and what follows decisions in the two systems.

BASICS

It's never about "right or wrong."
New disciples of "The Way" of Love, have limitless grace and mercy.
As a matter of fact, failure is part of the process.
Funny how success can lead us, easily, into idol worship, but failure brings us to our knees.
As with any growth, redefining words can obliterate belief systems based in lies.
Love is not outcomes based; it's benefits based, so enjoy the process, as Daddy God delights in you.


                                        ABUNDANCE                                          LACK                                           

1. Is this a Love Opportunity?                                             1. Self-centered

2. Is Love leading me into a season                                     2. Outcomes based
    of healing, growth, or revelation?

3. How is Love requiring me to lay down                           3. Self-preservation/Entitlement Servitude
    my life (patience, endurance, perseverance)?

4. Kingdom oriented                                                            4. Reciprocity


FOLLOWING DECISIONS

1. Truth based                                                                       1. Feelings based

2. Circumstances serve                                                         2. Circumstances rule

3. Embraces difference/change                                             3. Fears difference/change

4. Kingdom of LOVE fulfilled,                                             4. Pride fulfilled=idolatry
    LOVE gets all the glory

For those with wobbly legs, who are shaky in the first step of Love, take courage. You will feel fear because you are leaving familiarity, habit, and comfort to enter into the unknown, obscurity, and no habit to lean on. He is there. Call on He who is LOVE, and you will find you are already yolked to Him.

MY LIFE - IN BOXES

So, it's come to this
Another failure for the books
I can take the sorrow, the grief
But my luggage splits at judgmental looks

You can see their calculations
Tabulating every wrong move
As though success comes to the educated
Who know how to choose...


     ~ THUSLY~


Pompous, arrogant fools
Cardboard catches fire quicker than steel
At least I'll be left with the evidence
That my dying is real

The process of moving is so long
I'd welcome a purifying flame
The contents of these boxes...belong to another
And I've forgotten her name

Those who knew me in the square
Would balk to see how I can fly
I no longer need windows and doors
To answer the question, "Why?"

         I AM because HE IS


   ~ MY LIFE~


Written by Trudy Schrader on 5-5-2017

BREAK ME, BUT DON'T TAKE ME

Hard to believe I was ever whole
Without a device to help me get around
Movement was natural and fluid
Bright and brilliant, like light and sound

In an environment of fear and doubt
Beauty is but a whistle of air
Just surviving creatures of the dark
Moving from here to there

The broken tend to be resilient
Strong, beyond the parts of self they leave behind
It becomes habit to avoid and release
The damaged and useless parts of the mind

The moving van is loaded, I can see
They are ready to go...without a backward glance
But something deep inside DEMANDS
"Give them a chance!!!"

I run up a mountain of stairs
To the attic, it would seem
A white light beckoned me to see
A room of people, I failed to esteem

White beds held their invalid bodies
They cried loudly, but didn't make a move
What's the point of trying to leave
When you can, never again, fully choose

All the loss, how can one cope
The only way out is to run
It's easier to use, lose, and leave
All of "IT" behind...when the job is done

Seeing fully, the checkered pattern
Suggests, "I," not "Them," valued the white
Never allowing the dark to play
A single piece, in their loosing fight

But legs aren't required for this
My heart demands I experience this loss
The van is leaving
And I haven't the way or means to carry this heavy cross

Shall I stand and cry
Remorse will not move a thing
Or let the van go
And find the equipment for what I must bring

   ~to The City of Refuge~

Written by Trudy Schrader on 4/28/2017

BORN TO FLY

I can see them gather around me
Sharpening their knives for the kill
Knowing I will not stand and fight
Anticipating fear that will ooze from the steal

I can feel the weight of the matter
Like a soldier under the horse he saddled
Crushing the bones with every breath
Both waiting for the sickle of death

~ to TAKE~

With my last, I SCREAm....to my love
"Come to me quickly, lest the enemy feast
...on the flesh that clings to my bones
Please, my LOVE, lighten the load of this....BEAST!"

Then, I hear the voice of the enemy
"See, He delays, you have been deceived
He will not come for you...pointless journey
Oh, but you will pay for all you've believed."

"My LOVE, the enemy is waiting for you
To change circumstances
Some stupid "Rags to Riches" story
No, no my love....my journey
Will be summed up by nothing less
Than LOVE being full, getting ALLLL the glory."

I say, to you, my enemy,
"Though you surround and ground
Replicate and multiply my woes
With every move you make
My faith in MY LOVE, only grows

You will see me and my LOVE
Unite in the sky
Because I've left the worm...behind
Now, I'm ready to fly."

Note: We must never pick up natural weapons to fight a spiritual war. God fights for us. We, in a yielded position, knowing He, alone, owns it all, and we own nothing, cooperate with His movement. Flow with Love my siblings.

LEAVE ME ALONE

Leave me alone
And...I'll create a world with no sorrow
Just with my words
Leave me alone
And...I'll wash away all the lies and deceit
Your ears have ever heard

Leave me alone
And...I'll find the path to freedom
     What is that????

Uh hum...Leave me alone
And...I'll fight off the fears that plague the mind
With Love
Leave me alone

And I'll create a masterpiece
Where all my words line up
Accountable to the Poet master
Chhh...the whip sounds
"Out of order words, line up....stop trying to mean"

Leave me alone
And...I'll get lonely for contact
Just a touch, please
Leave me alone
And...I'll become a prisoner of lack
Trying to see Love

Leave me alone
And...I'll lose hope to hang on
To relief
Leave me alone
And...I'll give in to being gone
In grief


Written by Trudy Schrader on 02-10-2017

Note: Isolation is the enemy's playground. We need each other. Let us find the courage to reach out no matter the outcome. Love is the only purpose that matters in this life.

REGISTERING 'MEANING'

Back when I was little
At the time, meaning, was being formed
I got out my feeling fears
In the midst of my biggest storm

The lightening cracked
The thunder rOAred
The wood came together
In the shape of an oar

I pushed against the waves
I threw back the wind
Til I came out...
To be at peace again

    ~Repetition~

The rhythm of life, set
In moments of utter terror
Beating me to monotony
In any kind of weather

"Row, row, row your boat"
...fighting, kicking, the clock keeps tickng
"gently...down the stream"
Stupid minute hand keeps sticking

POP! And go, gotta survive
"Merrily, merrily, merrily....life is but a dream"
Long tube, bright light, no air
Nothing is as it seems

   ~B..r---ok,,,en~

"Here we go 'round the mulberry bush"
Again and again, so boring
I have wings, can't you see
I need to be up THERE...SOARING

Past trees, buildings, frames
Ladders, systems, glorious names

Down, down, down...to ground
You must be theologically sound
You can't walk WITH the Great God
Your visions are wrong, you're a fraud

Searching, searching for ???
Meaning, wretched meaning
Whose frames change
With whatever one is seeming

    ~to believe~

In my most broken minute
I choose ~LOVE~ every time
He has brought me through fear
To live in peace of mind

Nothing or no one
    can find
       meaning
          in 
      ~ME~

I am in Him.


Written by Trudy Schrader and Love on 1-15-2017


Note: My poems are really a processing tool to work out what is making waves in my pool :)