AVERAGE ADJUSTMENT

Again, this place, again
Nothing new under the sun
What I'm experiencing anew
Has already been done

Back in '92, I almost gave up
But I pressed into the pain
I faced my past with courage
And used my loss for gain

I've stopped dreaming of magic
And that a happy ending awaits
Instead, I live and love in moments
Constantly adjusting my plate

Today, grief is on the menu
Bitter sorrow rises, again, in my throat
Not to worry, just my harmony
Hitting a sour note

Look, there's Morticia on the piano
Pounding out the black soot
Even with the chains of loss
Wrapped, tightly, around her foot

Without the minor keys in living
There would be no need for major strikes
Although I will adjust my playing
It will no longer be based on unanimous likes

.....because I'm finally at home in me

written by Trudy Schrader on 08-31-2018

FUNNY GIRL

When the day is dreary and dark
And hope is next to death
Funny girl will make you laugh
Til you snort in your next breath

Entering a new situation
With groups of people all around
Funny girl will be in the center
Bringing vibration to melodic sound

When truth is hard to swallow
And choking seems so unfair
Funny girl will make you die
In hysterics 'til you forget to care

When tears threaten to spill
Down your cheeks, unbidden and unrestrained
Funny girl will change your position
Til you have giggled yourself insane

How could that be...wrong
Making people laugh is fun
Funny girl doesn't understand
Why she has no place to run

...no one wants to hear her sorrow.

Written by Trudy Schrader on 08-24-2018

BEING HOMELESS

    I was working at the Revenue Office in 2011, when the assistant manager got into a "Come to Jesus Meeting" with me. She said, "Trudy, I'm a complete heathen, and yet I know you never pass up a homeless person...that could be Jesus or an angel." I was cut to the core of my soul, but I pushed, as hard as I could, to get the responsibility to LOVE, out of my perspective. That should have been a sign that I had a deep-seated fear about being homeless.
    I lived at a women's shelter for 2 years, and even though I was, technically, homeless, I was not without resources. While I was there, I saw, that resources and connection with others are the dividing line between the "hidden homeless" and the "on the streets" homeless. In order to receive benefits from entitlement programs, you have to have an address. In order to have an address, you have to have a job or a connection with someone who can assist as you get back on your feet. Seeing the system from a homeless perspective, one could easily and accurately conclude that it serves the educated homeless, and gives a clear message to humanity, "If you navigate the system incorrectly through wrong choices, the system will be against you, and allow you to experience the consequences of those choices, alone."
    My perspective began to change in 2014, from doing nothing, even avoiding places where "they" hang out to advertise homelessness, to seeing them and saying a prayer. One day, when I was coming out of Wal-Mart, I heard myself praying, "God please help no one to be there. I don't want to see them." Daddy God asked, "Why are you afraid?" I blurted out, "I'm a single mom, struggling myself. What could I possibly offer?" Daddy God said, "What is in your hand?" I looked in the seat at the $5 hot pizza I had bought for dinner, and smiled. I pulled up to the man, and gave him the pizza. He said, "God is good. God bless you." Them became a him, and I transformed into an empowered woman who began looking, actively, for LOVE opportunities.

    I quit my job at the Revenue Office in September 2014, to follow Daddy God on a journey of faith. Throughout the process, I lost my car, had to file bankruptcy, and eventually, lost our home. However, sustaining grace kept us in our home for 2 years after I made my last payment. Those around me, gave me all of the judgments I had thought, spoken, or believed about the homeless. I proclaimed, "I will not become homeless!!! God will show up and bring us out of these circumstances." On April 20, 2017, our home was auctioned off on the courthouse steps. I felt abandoned and betrayed by God. How could that be good for me and my children? How could this end testify of being faithful to the LOVE journey? My oldest son said, "Mama, when you experience the one thing every adult fears, and see Daddy God all the way through it, is there ANYTHING to be afraid of in this life?"
    My boys went to live with their dad and I went to live with my mother and sister. I had never been separated from my miracle boys. I was wrecked. In spite of it all, I picked myself up and began applying for jobs, and reentered the Graduate Counseling program at JBU. I substitute taught in local schools just to have some income. In March 2018, the job Daddy God delivered to my table, was being a crew person at McDonald's. God does have a wonderful sense of humor, and has a perfect answer to the homeless...meet them in their environment.
      I am a morning person, so my shift is early morning to early afternoon. Since McDonald's is open 24/7, the door is open all the time. I have seen, on several occasions, loaded cars parked close to the door, with a sleeping person at the wheel. One morning, a couple sat at a table, with a broken down box, full of belongings, and nothing to eat or drink. Normally, that is loitering, and they would be driven out, but the night managers are very understanding and compassionate. I watched the woman, going over a Wal-Mart receipt, like she was trying to find a way to come up with money. I allowed myself to enter into their hopelessness, and asked them if they would like to eat. He answered, "We are flat broke." I said, "It's on me." The couple that had ordered at the Kiosk and had sit down to eat, left abruptly, when I brought the struggling couple their food. A few minutes after the struggling couple finished eating and left, an employee came in and said, "A couple of meth-heads are in the dumpster, digging through the trash." I sighed in my heart.

  A couple of weeks ago, I was excited to have Play land all to myself so that I make it clean for the children who would play their later. I was horrified, when I stumbled upon a sleeping teenager. I immediately told the manager, who said he was waiting for the mother of his friend who worked at McDonald's. I let him sleep for 3 hours, undisturbed. Finally, I checked on him, and he was awake. I began asking him questions. When I asked him, "Where is your mother?" He answered, "Her car was impounded." As a former D.H.S. worker, I knew what that meant. I told him that the Independent Living Program could help him get an apartment, go to college, become an adult. He said, "Please don't call, I'm almost 18 and I have been there. I hate the system." When the mother of his friend came into work, she said, "Trudy, do not call on him. I have him. He's like my son. My friend is just going through a hard time." She did, in fact, take care of him. However, later that day, I saw that her son didn't like the extra responsibility of his homeless friend.
    The answer to homelessness is not to throw a benevolent b.m. at the "problem," so that the conscious mind can be relieved from awareness. It requires one heart meeting another at the point of fear/anxiety/hopelessness/despair, and being present in their pain. There is such a push to "fix" something and get on with living. I fight that actively while relaxing in LOVE, realizing I have nothing more to offer than my presence in the problem. I am so grateful for my homelessness, because I have conquered my fears that had separated me from opportunities with the homeless. We are all part of humanity, and our hearts respond to LOVE offered in the flow of living. Circumstances may change status, but connection renews faith and hope in living.

EMPTY ENVY

As I traveled with my LOVE
Down the River of Life
Keeping my eyes on the WAY
And my boat free from envy and strife
....I noticed something

Others had boats, big and small
While mine was a raft of wood
They had shelter, a home
While I OWNED nothing good
....just my lunchbox 

Until the sighting of difference
I had been happy and adjusted
To living a life of adventure
And free from all things that rusted
....old and useless

My heart began to sink within
As I saw my value inside those temporal things
Others enjoy their lives
And are made better by all the River brings
....I'm empty still

My LOVE appeared on my raft
And said, "Why are you downcast within
Don't you know the TRUTH
That your raft is a testament of where I have been
....I see you naked

I can't enter their boats yet
While they cling to safety and stuff
The River rolls possessions to their boat
And they take like they will never have enough
....just look in your lunchbox"

I opened it and exclaimed,
"It's enough food for this day."
I embraced my LOVE
And made peace with the difference in my way
....rolling, rolling on the River
.......da doot doot doot

Written by Trudy Schrader on 08-21-2018

SKIPPING STONES

The little ones stand on the river bed
Bored, with the beauty of silence
Looking for excitement and adventure
They discovered stones, and the fun of violence

As the water rushed to the ocean
In a smooth, steady, rhythmical sound
The stones broke the surface
Where peace was taken, and annoyance was found

As the rocks got bigger and came faster
The river began to ROAR at the offenders
She forgot they were just children
Without the wisdom that violence hinders

....the flow of LOVE...

Drenched with overflow of water
The children dashed away in great fear
The river, eventually, silenced itself
And wondered if the violators would reappear

She couldn't explain it, but unrest surfaced
No more could she rest in her continual flow
She became guarded and edgy
Pushing with too much force, wanting to know

Something, anything, could happen again
And she would be disturbed in her rest
By stupid little children, without reason
Having a contest on who could pop her the best

....right in the heart...

Wait, the river began to see people, afar off
But never drawing near to her bank
She knew she was still the river
But what had her attack....
    ...yes, no way around it...
              she attacked....what else could they think

The river drew back her waters in shame
And her bed became exposed and dry
She was just about to give up
When LOVE came to her bank to cry

LOVE said, "Unrest has troubled you
And taken the peace from your heart
There will always be little ones
Who don't know where you end and where you start

It is not enough to flow in freedom
Toward your ever giving source
You must endure all things with all people
And never show your natural force

....propagating LOVE, not fear."

Written by Trudy Schrader on 08-13-2018

WHITE-WASHED WISDOM

I was doing just fine
Atop my mountain of white
Where I could touch, better sinners
With luminescent light

I could proclaim, "Forgiven"
To those on the right road
And not think about the scum
Laden with the weighty load
...of filthy lusts

Such a sleepless night
Tossing and flopping in my bed
Wondering what on earth
I hadn't rendered dead

I saw the River rushing
Toward a frightful end
Fighting off the embrace of dread
That might be around the bend
...of a clogged drain

Suddenly, I let go, and released
Ideal...from a mighty height
As I plunged downward
To the wrong of my right

The River bed was...almost dry
And I saw a man sitting at a bar
I looked up at where I had been
My heart broke as I comprehended how far
....forgiven was from the Well

I argued, look at that man
Sitting there with his pretty little find
He doesn't get to be forgiven
With a perverted mind

Come to think of it, my LOVE
I don't recall you dealing with molestors
Your own mother was a child
Carefully and shamefully sequestered
...due to her sinful womb

There is a secret you know
That I have yet to embrace
All of us are your children
With a unique color and assigned place

I will work on allowing LOVE
To be what HE is in the space provided
And edeavor to dismiss judgment
When Wisdom is divided
....on the CROSSroad

Written by Trudy Schrader on 08-08-2018

RIVER RAFTING

Generally, the flow of the river
Is engaging, wonderful, inviting
My LOVE wanted to take me rafting
So that I could learn what humanity is fighting

To the left, I see an abandoned child
Sleeping on the thorny bank
Suddenly, a boulder arose
And my heart sank
....to the bottom

The rocks cut my feet
As I walked the rocky bed
I saw an orphan
Who had been left for dead

Then I saw a child
Yell profanity's at his mother
As he expressed his anger
At being held accountable for another
...bottom feeder

An old and dear friend
Shunned my open arms of care
Though I have full reign of the River
She pushed me to stay where
...she'd placed me

An elderly man escorts a child
To buy her physical affection
Without natural affinity
To fight and ensure her protection

But the loaded gun
I took from the child's hand
Was Mama making him responsible
For his baby brother in Playland
...while she grew fat

As I realized that I can't shoot
And I'm opposed to the handling of steal
I passed it to my LOVE
And floated up to the top to embrace what is real

We finished our ride through humanity
To a decision that had to be made
Hopelessness pushed to blacken LOVE
But it was to LOVE, I freely laid
...despair

Written by Trudy Schrader on 08-06-2018

SEWING SEAMS

I saw the difference you made
To the barrenness of your mother
Then I saw you poke fun at a worker
Who thought you were a good lover
...of sewing seams

I saw you reach out to a man
Who struggled to sit still
Then, I saw you ask another
To provide him with a decent meal
...so, it would seem

....LOVE has a question

I heard you spout out your beliefs
With a superior tone of knowledge
Then I heard anger in your voice
As you tried to push him to the edge
....of that perfect seam

I saw you give a dirty woman
Some clothes, food, and some water
Then, I saw you ignore
The silent, but very present, cry from your beautiful daughter
...who wanted to sew your seem

....LOVE wants to know

I saw your quick response
To a fallen man in need of medical attention
Then, you yell at your son
Who earned himself a scholastic detention
....for sewing seems incorrectly

I heard your lecture on the gospel
To a crowd of would be saints
I saw me, sitting in the pocket of the seam
And knew I ain't
....anything like a seam/seem

....LOVE has hemmed me in HIS seam/seem

Written by Trudy Schrader on 08-05-2018

Note: I absolutely LOVE words!!! I hope you see, clearly, what I glimpsed, nearly, in the seam/seem :)

BANGING BANGS

Finally, my way is clear
I can see the the beauty in all
Things others don't notice
Or dismiss, as insignificant, small

The sound of water flowing
The smell of crisp clean air
Inundates my being
With what all living things share

I let go of all my fears
And open my eyes
Only to see stupid bangs
Hiding the revelation that cries

.................to be KNOWN

Fighting against their presence
Despising the hair on my head
Life drains from wonder
And plummets me into the lake of the dead

The sunlight shines down
Piercing the comfort of sight
I move my bangs for full vision
To reveal I've lost my light

After much struggle and anger
I leave my bangs where they are
And I begin to perceive
The blood, torn flesh, the scars

I just wanted to see and enjoy
But bangs, like a curtain, got hung
Between the spirit and natural worlds
With the rhythm of "Broken" continually sung

....with every BANG of BELIEF

Written by Trudy Schrader on 08-03-2018

HUMANETICS HIGHWAY

I saw a woman
Carrying water on her head
Thousands of people
Without a home or bed
...but I passed in my jeep

I saw a scraggly man
Lying on the street
And strange druggies
I never want to meet
...so I passed in my taxi

I saw a waitress
With a bruise around her eye
A car accident 
Where someone died
...but I passed with the others

I saw a preacher pray
And lie in the same day
I saw wedding vows exchanged
And that same marriage rearranged
...I stopped

I saw people who didn't matter
Become a part of who I am
Every interaction
Has informed growing man
...to build highways

Written by Trudy Schrader on 08-02-2018

Note: The tireless, endless, seemingly meaningless work of  our predecessors, has built the highways naturally, spiritually, and emotionally, that we enjoy everyday, without any recognition. When we look into the eyes of our tired elderly, may we always be in awe of what their sacrifice has made available to us.