THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM

P.A.B. Chart (google)

     I had something else planned, but Jesus is having a teachable moment with me. I have had a concentration of examples focusing on "Passive Aggressive Behavior" in the past two weeks. With Jesus, all teaching methods are at His disposal. Thank goodness He always uses humor with me. He disarms me every time with laughter. It's hard to be angry or even feel stupid when you are laughing with Jesus at yourself.
     Before I got married, I had never heard of "Passive Aggressive Behavior." My ex husband agreed to go with me to one counseling session, and her conclusion of Lee was, "You have a lot of Passive Aggressive Behavior toward her." Yea, he didn't go with me again. No one wants to be told something they have not yet acknowledged on their own, especially if it's negative. That's why it's never acceptable behavior for a counselor to "diagnose" a client after the first appointment. You have to earn the right to "have a say." I'm sorry, all the degrees in the world have nothing to do with a counselor's intention toward the client. It's the same with any profession. I can't count the amount of teachers, doctors, lawyers, preachers, etc are in it for the "look and feel" of being important.
     So, we come to the first example. I'm going to attempt to be very generic, because it's the action we are focusing on, not the people. On a social media website, members are able to "unfollow" people they want to be friends with but don't want to see that particular person's posts for various reasons. For me, I unfollow people who post things that aren't solution based, are inappropriate, rude, unkind, etc. So, this "unfollowed" person recognized that he/she had been "unfollowed" and rather than respect the boundary that had been set, this person confronted in a passive aggressive way. The friend was contacted with a simple but profound message, "Um, I noticed that my comments don't appear on your page like it does with my other friends...just wondering why?" Oh, this person is very computer savvy and knows why. The M.O. for this person is P.A.B. or "The Crap Sandwich," For example, "Oh, I am so happy you agreed to meet with me. We've been friends for so long. I just want to say that I don't like how you _____________, but Jesus said I need to love you anyway."

Just laugh (google)

     The second example: a girl watched her friend's struggle with judgment, rather than compassion and understanding. Out of frustration, she asked Jesus to discipline the friend. Really? How childish! I recall doing something like this in 6th grade, as my dear friend left me alone as she joined a new group of friends. I said to myself, "That's fine, you can have riches and glory. I have Jesus," and I closed up my heart. What happened in this situation, the requester got disciplined. Don't ever try P.A.B. with Jesus...He is opposed to it...just saying.
      The third example: a person is invited to an event with a certain time frame, but when a text revealed that the event time had changed and it was happening currently, anger was the result. This person said, "Fine, I'll go at the originally scheduled time!" Anger not willing to be expressed in a constructive manner due to the uncomfortable feeling that follows,can lead to P.A.B. if the person's struggle is for anger to be made known but believing the other person won't care or change their behavior. Bottom line, it's powerlessness based on a lie.
       When it comes to children, we complicate things when we want them to "reason." Children are not able to reason until middle school. They are learning quicker than before, and they can acknowledge the outcome but without understanding that their chosen action caused this undesirable result. So, with my boys, I had a rule: Never ask a toddler/preschooler "Why?" Instead, I asked, "How did this happen?" "Where were you?" "What were you doing?" "What did you want?" When you ask the right questions, you eventually come to an unexpressed need or boundary. Here's an example. I had bought happy meals for the boys through the drive thru. That's always difficult, but even more so in a van. I kept handing back stuff, and once a hand grabbed, I let go. Lucas and Liam pretty much always got cheeseburger happy meals with Dr. Pepper. So, honestly, it's the same, who cares? Liam, that's who. Apparently, he had "marked" his soda by putting his straw in it, and Lucas "stole" it. It took a good 15 minutes of talking and crying to get to this boundary. I summed up, "So Liam, when you get a drink and you put your straw in it, you are marking it as Liam's drink and we need to respect that, correct?" "Yea." I don't like the way boundaries are discovered sometimes, but I do love clarifying "markers."

Confrontation (google)

       So, the main difference between P.A.B. and confrontation, is simply this, the heart behind it. P.A.B. is uncertain of respect, validity, and connection. Confrontation is determined to change destructive or unwanted behavior regardless of response. I am a confrontational type person, especially when someone I love...they don't have to love me back....is doing something that harms themselves or others. Unfortunately, sometimes, I am met with anger, you're being judgmental, or I like what I'm doing and I'm not stopping attitude. Confrontation with children is a wonderful tool if it is drenched in love and a heart that wants to understand; however, confrontation from the heart of an angry parent almost always ends up being abusive and destructive. Anger is based in fear, so generally, if anger is in charge, the heart wants to punish wrong doing rather than understand the action from the child's perspective.
        The elephant in the room is this, nice people desire retribution just like any one else. Kind people want to matter to people, sometimes, to others who don't even want to know their name. The important thing is to recognize P.A.B. in ourselves and ask some simple questions. For example, "Do I have an unacknowledged/unexpressed boundary that has been violated?" "Is the behavior intentional or just an oversight?" "Am I jumping to conclusions?" "Do I have the type of relationship with this person that my boundaries can be freely expressed and respected?" "Will boundary setting deepen this relationship, and if so, is that what I want?"  It is so important to build and maintain healthy relationships. Why? Because healthy relationships grow love, and love is a priceless treasure that can be enjoyed all the days of our lives.

GETTING YOUR HEAD ON STRAIGHT

Parenting Chart (google)

     I love observing parents, seeing how children respond to their parents. Even as a child, I was aware that children who responded in quiet terror or freaked out were being hurt by their parents and that I was powerless to help them. At D.H.S., I would take a mother with her child to McDonald's. While her child played, we were watching, not just her child but other parents with their children, identifying parenting types. It yielded wonderful results. Parents tend to dread embarrassing moments that are sure to happen.      When I was babysitting a toddler, I wanted to buy her a sucker at the store. I told her to hand it to the cashier. Suddenly she blurts out, "Oh no, dairs a booger on my kucker." There are those type of surprises that are unavoidable, but most tantrums, etc can be avoided if you have your head on straight. I find the best place to start is a heart question. So here we go.
      Why do I want children or why do I have children? Unfortunately, some may have to answer, "Well, I got myself knocked up." The cool thing, is that doesn't have to be "a situation" you have to deal with or live through. It always boggles my mind to find out how many people have never asked themselves this simple question, or answered themselves honestly. If we answered honestly, some of the responses may be: It's why you get married, to give my kids opportunities I was never afforded, to have someone take care of me in my old age, to make up for all the mistakes I made, or my personal favorite, I don't know, it just happened. Once you know why you had them. You can move on to the next question.
       What do I expect the outcome of my parenting these children to be? I can hear the Bible Belt folks saying, "Well, I want them to love Jesus, have some morals and values that are pleasing to God, and I want them to have some common sense. Common sense goes a lot further than any education you may get." Maybe I'm out of touch, but hopefully, not too many are still opting for the "Dead Poet's Society" agenda. That sux and it's stupid. However, I must admit that there are parents who have farmed the same land for generations and they desire to pass it on to children who may or may not see it as the gift that it is. I learned in my Human Growth and Development class that the healthiest families are the most differentiated, meaning you could look at the family and see individuals rather than all members playing a role in the operation of one big machine. My response to Jesus, on this question, "Help me to love my children in such a way that their lives are insulated by Mama love and engaged in the Father's purpose....which is to enjoy His children."

Natural vs Spiritual Law (google)

        Can you imagine that the Creator of the Universe created, knowing all of the possibilities before they happened, for the sole purpose of ENJOYING His creation? He delights in our delight of Him. I told Lucas one day, while listening to TD Jakes, "So Lucas, according to religious tradition, if you do not fulfill my purpose for your life, all of life is crap, everything goes to hell in a hand basket, and this relationship that we have spent 15 years building....means nothing!" Lucas was as appalled as I was, replying with, "Mama, that's wrong! Our relationship is everything on which love lives." Indeed it is. It is our relationship that testifies of the love that is running the connection lines between one person to the other. It is that love that provides a Michelin tire coat for each member of the family, cushioning any fall and providing protection from the blows that come from those who fear they don't have something.
        After these two questions are answered, you can begin to tackle the present. Where is each family member in their personal journey? When you ask this question, you have to divide the heart into its connector cylinders: physical, emotional, spiritual. Where are my children physically? You can go to the library and get a book on Human Growth and Development that will show you the normal stages of development physically, emotionally, socially, morally, etc. You will be hard pressed to find anything spiritual. Children with tender hearts, growing up in church, are no more better off than those who find Jesus as an adult. Here's why. Children can not understand sin until they know to do right and choose not to do it. Honestly, for me, the road is so sacred that I would rather a child live with gusto and passion and eventually finding that Jesus is ALL they are gonna want from this life, than a child who accepts Jesus, abandons the faith altogether, eventually coming back, but carrying around a boat load of sorrow for having lived a life of prodigal son living.

Natural Consequences (google)

      Why is all this important? No gardener would plant tomatoes in the winter just because they had seed available. Seed must be planted in season, on fertile ground, in the correct climate. Parenting is a science. It takes a great deal of practice, and what works for one kid could pierce the heart of another. When I was at home with the boys, I came across a book that was all about disciplining children through teachable moments and natural consequences. It has been invaluable. I allowed nature to teach my children, with me, coming along side, explaining what they had just experienced.
       Right after we had moved to Bella Vista, I was so nervous. New routines are difficult at first, not knowing how the traffic would run, the time it actually took to get children to school and me to work, etc. I got up at 5am, took a shower, then got the boys up, did the morning routine, always going potty before heading out to the bumper to bumper commute to Bentonville. I sat down....with my pants bottoms in a pool of pee. I was fighting mad. I came up the stairs and yelled the boys names. Liam starts crying, saying, "Why is it always the tv?" I answered, "Liam, the tv didn't put that pee on the floor. It has nothing to do with your consequences. The logical consequence is that you need to experience what it's like to sit down in someone else's waste. Therefore, for the next week, you two boys will be sitting down to go potty. And I will follow behind you, making sure you cleaned up after yourself." It worked.
        I wished that I could have used ingenuity to skip out on spanking altogether. I believe my boys will. Children learn best if they are instructed toward their bent. Why would you ever ask a child who is artistic to play sports. If they aren't interested, don't make them do something against their nature. The skills that are learned in sports can also be learned later on in life. For instance, Lucas is on a Forensics Team. He learns how his performance affects the members of his team. He has learned not to eat sugar during competitions because it can cause all sorts of problems that make it impossible for him to do well. If our goal as parents is to discover our children discovering themselves, we are all in for quite a ride.

EMPOWERING PARENTS

PARENTING (google)

     I know that it must be frustrating for those of you who read my blog to suddenly find it gone. I am a little lamb, with its tongue hanging out, panting after Jesus. Whatever He says, I do. He won my heart fair and square. That being said, my previous blog was deleted twice at His command, and it served its purpose. This blog is going to be devoted to empowering parents.
     Back in the '90's, when children had no voice, parents could do "the right thing" and it be considered correct response; however, I have discovered an anomaly, children with voices have placed many parents in the position of being "guilty" until proven innocent. I used to tell Lucas, "Honey, I'm so glad you are adventurous, but, there are decisions that you can only make once and you don't know what they are until you find yourself before Jesus telling Him the story of you cutting Daddy's phone chord with metal scissors." I hate that about those kind of decisions.
      Pretty much all adults, who engage in sexual intercourse, no matter what preventative measures are taken, can end in a pregnancy. I know you're thinking, "Well, unless the couple has been sterilized...." for a few, even that doesn't work. So, bottom line, you have sex, you could get pregnancy, std, and a whole slew of other difficulties that may follow. It always amazes me when the pregnancy comes as a surprise to the sexually active. It's as though the desire to not have a baby supersedes the possibility of the outcome.

10 commandments (google)

      While working with Jesus through the Holy Spirit, I discovered a truth: no lies can exist in the spirit world. How that plays out is surprising and unique. Being natural, when the spirit is taken into the spirit world, whatever is in the heart, is revealed. That should sober up a bunch of us. I can almost hear, "Please, Jesus, never take me in the spirit world. You know I'm not ready to say good bye to that secret. I like it. I want to entertain it a little longer...k?" Demons are in the spirit world, but you know them right away, because they are liars....unless, you have come into agreement with their lies. Guaranteed, that's why you are there...to see the lie exposed and you delivered.  I can't count the times I have been surprised. Just the other day, Jesus took me to the place where I saw myself, hungry for fellowship. When I got up, I had a spring in my step, a glimmer of hope in my eye, and walked into the fellowship He provided for me.
       Hopefully, with the Holy Spirit guiding me, each blog entry will be about learning to separate natural law from spiritual law. When it comes to parenting, there are behaviors, not curses, that are transferred generation to generation. The first step in any journey, is determining what it is you are dealing with...behavior, belief, personality, or spiritual. Spiritual should never be the first option. There's a reason for that, and I will go in depth with it in my next entry because it is vital that you get the structure correct. You can't build a skeleton with the feet on top. Feet are for walking. So, we deal with the head first.

Cool Quote (google)

        Do you know why God gave Moses the 10 commandments? To show mankind that no matter how hard natural man tries, his works can not get Him/Her to God. That's why Jesus had such a problem with the religious powers of the day, they were like, "Lookey here, Jesus, we are doing it perfectly, and we don't need some mamby pamby miracle man messing it all up for us." No one has the right to contact the spirit world through any other means than Jesus. He alone, is the gate, and He alone determines who, when, where, how, etc goes through. If that makes you angry, then be the Creator of the Universe and then you can determine what is "right."
        That being said, God is a parent. He is Father. The Holy Spirit is Mother. Jesus is Son. I won't argue over this. The Holy Spirit is not a woman. God is man...all man, but the Spirit who is comforter, nurturer, lover, carrier of the seed, is feminine in nature. The Holy Spirit teaches us how to identify other believers, through fruit. If the fruit tree is bearing crap fruit or no fruit, don't judge the fruit, expose the root.  I was going to write a book called, "Dining with Demons Unaware," but this seems the better option.
          Some of you may be wondering what God has to do with parenting...only everything! His heart is to see the hearts of the fathers turned back to their sons and for women to return to their natural affection. You must know, up front, the enemy is one of the most intelligent beings that ever lives...but he is not wise. Wisdom is the power of love. Pride is the power of intelligence. He knows how to destroy our nation from within...by making parents believe they are powerless. You are not! I will commit to sharing all God will allow me to share with you so that the Holy Spirit can put the Sword of Truth in your hand and defeat the enemy in every area of your life. I am very excited about this endeavor. I am passionate for growth. I long to see warriors, fighting for love, not self-preservation and entitlements. God bless all of you. I forgot to share a wonderful example: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MVs71CBX7J8 . Enjoy!