THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM

P.A.B. Chart (google)

     I had something else planned, but Jesus is having a teachable moment with me. I have had a concentration of examples focusing on "Passive Aggressive Behavior" in the past two weeks. With Jesus, all teaching methods are at His disposal. Thank goodness He always uses humor with me. He disarms me every time with laughter. It's hard to be angry or even feel stupid when you are laughing with Jesus at yourself.
     Before I got married, I had never heard of "Passive Aggressive Behavior." My ex husband agreed to go with me to one counseling session, and her conclusion of Lee was, "You have a lot of Passive Aggressive Behavior toward her." Yea, he didn't go with me again. No one wants to be told something they have not yet acknowledged on their own, especially if it's negative. That's why it's never acceptable behavior for a counselor to "diagnose" a client after the first appointment. You have to earn the right to "have a say." I'm sorry, all the degrees in the world have nothing to do with a counselor's intention toward the client. It's the same with any profession. I can't count the amount of teachers, doctors, lawyers, preachers, etc are in it for the "look and feel" of being important.
     So, we come to the first example. I'm going to attempt to be very generic, because it's the action we are focusing on, not the people. On a social media website, members are able to "unfollow" people they want to be friends with but don't want to see that particular person's posts for various reasons. For me, I unfollow people who post things that aren't solution based, are inappropriate, rude, unkind, etc. So, this "unfollowed" person recognized that he/she had been "unfollowed" and rather than respect the boundary that had been set, this person confronted in a passive aggressive way. The friend was contacted with a simple but profound message, "Um, I noticed that my comments don't appear on your page like it does with my other friends...just wondering why?" Oh, this person is very computer savvy and knows why. The M.O. for this person is P.A.B. or "The Crap Sandwich," For example, "Oh, I am so happy you agreed to meet with me. We've been friends for so long. I just want to say that I don't like how you _____________, but Jesus said I need to love you anyway."

Just laugh (google)

     The second example: a girl watched her friend's struggle with judgment, rather than compassion and understanding. Out of frustration, she asked Jesus to discipline the friend. Really? How childish! I recall doing something like this in 6th grade, as my dear friend left me alone as she joined a new group of friends. I said to myself, "That's fine, you can have riches and glory. I have Jesus," and I closed up my heart. What happened in this situation, the requester got disciplined. Don't ever try P.A.B. with Jesus...He is opposed to it...just saying.
      The third example: a person is invited to an event with a certain time frame, but when a text revealed that the event time had changed and it was happening currently, anger was the result. This person said, "Fine, I'll go at the originally scheduled time!" Anger not willing to be expressed in a constructive manner due to the uncomfortable feeling that follows,can lead to P.A.B. if the person's struggle is for anger to be made known but believing the other person won't care or change their behavior. Bottom line, it's powerlessness based on a lie.
       When it comes to children, we complicate things when we want them to "reason." Children are not able to reason until middle school. They are learning quicker than before, and they can acknowledge the outcome but without understanding that their chosen action caused this undesirable result. So, with my boys, I had a rule: Never ask a toddler/preschooler "Why?" Instead, I asked, "How did this happen?" "Where were you?" "What were you doing?" "What did you want?" When you ask the right questions, you eventually come to an unexpressed need or boundary. Here's an example. I had bought happy meals for the boys through the drive thru. That's always difficult, but even more so in a van. I kept handing back stuff, and once a hand grabbed, I let go. Lucas and Liam pretty much always got cheeseburger happy meals with Dr. Pepper. So, honestly, it's the same, who cares? Liam, that's who. Apparently, he had "marked" his soda by putting his straw in it, and Lucas "stole" it. It took a good 15 minutes of talking and crying to get to this boundary. I summed up, "So Liam, when you get a drink and you put your straw in it, you are marking it as Liam's drink and we need to respect that, correct?" "Yea." I don't like the way boundaries are discovered sometimes, but I do love clarifying "markers."

Confrontation (google)

       So, the main difference between P.A.B. and confrontation, is simply this, the heart behind it. P.A.B. is uncertain of respect, validity, and connection. Confrontation is determined to change destructive or unwanted behavior regardless of response. I am a confrontational type person, especially when someone I love...they don't have to love me back....is doing something that harms themselves or others. Unfortunately, sometimes, I am met with anger, you're being judgmental, or I like what I'm doing and I'm not stopping attitude. Confrontation with children is a wonderful tool if it is drenched in love and a heart that wants to understand; however, confrontation from the heart of an angry parent almost always ends up being abusive and destructive. Anger is based in fear, so generally, if anger is in charge, the heart wants to punish wrong doing rather than understand the action from the child's perspective.
        The elephant in the room is this, nice people desire retribution just like any one else. Kind people want to matter to people, sometimes, to others who don't even want to know their name. The important thing is to recognize P.A.B. in ourselves and ask some simple questions. For example, "Do I have an unacknowledged/unexpressed boundary that has been violated?" "Is the behavior intentional or just an oversight?" "Am I jumping to conclusions?" "Do I have the type of relationship with this person that my boundaries can be freely expressed and respected?" "Will boundary setting deepen this relationship, and if so, is that what I want?"  It is so important to build and maintain healthy relationships. Why? Because healthy relationships grow love, and love is a priceless treasure that can be enjoyed all the days of our lives.