BONDING FROM THE BEGINNING

Failure to Thrive (google)

      One of the cases I handled at D.H.S. made a lasting impact on my heart. I have been with children all of my life, observing how they grow, what is normal, what is cause for concern. My Education Degree was the icing on the cake. When I saw the six month old child, lying on the couch, looking like a very gaunt newborn, my heart ripped inside me. The mother was not engaged or connected to this child at all. She sat on a different couch, refusing to look at the infant. I founded the allegation of inorganic failure to thrive and got services in to the family immediately.
      The problem originated at the hospital. The birth was traumatic, leaving the medical staff every reason to warn the parents that it didn't look good and to prepare for the loss of their infant. The mother, unexpectedly went into grief/depression. Honestly, a person who hears such a possibility has got to have faith and hope to cling to...she was deplete. The father worked full time and gave all he could. When the infant came home, he had to be fed every two hours through a feeding tube. Once the home health nurse came in on a daily basis, and the mother was counseling with staff at a facility dedicated to the nurturing and growth of special needs children, things began to turn around. It took about 9 months, but the baby began to thrive, as the mother began to fill with hope and gumption. It was a wonderful process to behold...step by step. Incredible to watch the mother hold the infant, making eye contact, and smiling. Awwww, bonding, their is nothing like it.
     The natural journey for a child, of course, begins in the womb, where the disposition of the child is formed through the current mind set of the mother. If the mother is anxious and stressed, it deeply affects the "way" of the child. But, we are going to skip this and go to Bonding. During my 5 1/2 years at D.H.S., I observed the bonding, daily, between mothers and their children. It was horrific to watch a mother abandon her children for the "codependency" with her man.It was equally, thrilling to watch a mother, with some innate ability to have all the right responses, and through intense trauma, grief and betrayal, pull herself together for her child, and ensure the child's safety over the loyalty and life built with a husband for years.

Add caption (youtube)

     Just as there are natural causes for not being able to bond with a child, their are also spiritual reasons. Some of the natural reasons are, but not limited to rape, child born with special needs, traumatic birth, unacknowledged lack of bonding with maternal grandmother, socioeconomic status (Africa death rate), unwanted pregnancy and many more. However, two weeks ago, I came across this news report that brings to light an issue that is just now getting acknowledged.     Basically, the mother had this daughter 49 years ago and was told she was dead. No, she was adopted to another couple. Seriously? Yea, that happens and happened more often in the late 60's and early 70's when hospitals could get away with it. It is wonderful to see the immediate "bond" between them. The thing that drives adopted children to find their biological mother is the same thing that drives men to go from bosom to bosom.It is the need to have Storge' (Store gay) love...or Mother love.
      Mother love can only be given one time in a person's life...naturally. I was talking with a friend this week, comparing the spiritual need for the milk of the Word and the natural need for Mama's milk, when I surprised myself with this statement, "It has nothing to do with 'the milk.' It has everything to do with the Mama conveying to the child, through prompt response...I will not allow you to sit in your own waste, I will hear your cry and recognize your need, I will ensure your safety as best as I can." People argue over being a stay at home mom, working mom, nursing mom, bottle fed...and it has nothing to do with Mother Love. Simply put, it is eye to eye contact that literally wraps the soul of the mother around the child. If the child gets this along with an environment that invites exploration and learning, the infant thrives and grows, with the building block of Trust vs Mistrust firmly in place. "I will Trust." Unfortunately, if trauma is delivered to the child before the age of 3, chances are slim to none of obtaining the building block. If you are an adult wondering why it is so hard for you to trust, ask God if it has anything to do with the bonding process. He will be faithful to reveal.

Mother Love (google)

      In the late 90's, Attachment Disorder began to emerge with some very strange therapies. The truth is, if you didn't get it through natural process, you can not get it out of season. It is a seasonal love that is vital to "normal" development. Thank God, He specializes in the abnormal. I learned a principle this week: Natural Law is under the authority of Spiritual Truth. It doesn't matter if you are a person who acknowledges the Spiritual Truth or not. Don't believe me, go to a third world country laden down with witchcraft and vodoo and watch the effect of Truth on the lives of the people. A whole life lived, drenched in old ways and lies, obliterated by the manifestation of "Mother Love." When Mama God (Holy Spirit) loves on you at the point of your deepest need, it is always perfect beyond reason, healing the deepest aches and pains of your heart. The picture to the left sums up the concept. With her eyes, she is saying, "You are the center of my world, the fruit of my womb. Life is beautiful. You make me smile. My joy is full."
       I have told my boys, often, that there is a grand reason why all children are egocentric in the beginning...it coincides with the presence of Mother Love. A child has need to feel the devoted attention of a Master Gardener who knows how to put her child in the garden with her, working side by side, showing through example, tools and how to use them with care and love in order to yield fruit that is pleasing and needed for growth. Is that too hippie for you? Well, I would have made a great flower child.
      During Foster Care training, we watched a video where the foster mother had planted a plant in a shaded area. Within days, the plant looked horrible, the foster child noticed and told the foster mom. Seriously, teachable moments can not be planned or staged, but it worked for the video.The child asked, "Is it going to die?" The foster mom said, "No. I believe we can save it. This plant needs a lot of sunlight, but it is in the shade. We need to move it." As she transplanted it, she spoke of how sometimes the original home lacks something that leaves the plant open to parasites and even death, but moving it until it gets healthy, can save the plant. Then she told the little girl how that foster homes are like that...they give the plant what is needed until the parents learn how to garden/parent with wisdom.
      Mother God does the same thing. The Holy Spirit can reveal what has been concealed under the soil, transplant you to a place where you can be nurtured by brothers and sisters in Christ, who help you grow with love. I'm astounded with how many churches don't understand the simple principle of mother love. When a baby is born, you don't require the newborn to eat meat. Why on earth would you tell a newborn Christian to "get in the word," or to "pray an hour a day?" No freakin' way. Jesus said to Feed My Sheep three times to Peter which restored Him to God spiritually and gave the natural process for new disciples...Feed them. Why? Because when you meet a child at their most basic need, you open their heart to love. We have umpteen homeless hungry people in Northwest AR and we have million dollar churches with million dollar programs that deliver benevolent bowel movements to the wretches of earth....but rarely do we make eye to eye contact that says, "You are known to God and me. This is what love looks like...it looks into your eyes and chooses to see your soul."
     This week, the internet crawled with the abuse video of the Mom assaulting her child, taking control over her child's desire to be part of the rioting in Baltimore. I won't post the video. I deplore abuse. I want to say one thing, a controlled child will never return to a mother with love and mutual respect...do you see why? The example far outweighs the intention. I have said, often, "If it's s#&t, no need to sit down in it, riffling through it, trying to find evidence of seed growth. There is none. It all shrrit!" The good news, give your shhhrrrit to the Master Gardener, and it becomes fertilizer with purpose :)