GETTING YOUR HEAD ON STRAIGHT

Parenting Chart (google)

     I love observing parents, seeing how children respond to their parents. Even as a child, I was aware that children who responded in quiet terror or freaked out were being hurt by their parents and that I was powerless to help them. At D.H.S., I would take a mother with her child to McDonald's. While her child played, we were watching, not just her child but other parents with their children, identifying parenting types. It yielded wonderful results. Parents tend to dread embarrassing moments that are sure to happen.      When I was babysitting a toddler, I wanted to buy her a sucker at the store. I told her to hand it to the cashier. Suddenly she blurts out, "Oh no, dairs a booger on my kucker." There are those type of surprises that are unavoidable, but most tantrums, etc can be avoided if you have your head on straight. I find the best place to start is a heart question. So here we go.
      Why do I want children or why do I have children? Unfortunately, some may have to answer, "Well, I got myself knocked up." The cool thing, is that doesn't have to be "a situation" you have to deal with or live through. It always boggles my mind to find out how many people have never asked themselves this simple question, or answered themselves honestly. If we answered honestly, some of the responses may be: It's why you get married, to give my kids opportunities I was never afforded, to have someone take care of me in my old age, to make up for all the mistakes I made, or my personal favorite, I don't know, it just happened. Once you know why you had them. You can move on to the next question.
       What do I expect the outcome of my parenting these children to be? I can hear the Bible Belt folks saying, "Well, I want them to love Jesus, have some morals and values that are pleasing to God, and I want them to have some common sense. Common sense goes a lot further than any education you may get." Maybe I'm out of touch, but hopefully, not too many are still opting for the "Dead Poet's Society" agenda. That sux and it's stupid. However, I must admit that there are parents who have farmed the same land for generations and they desire to pass it on to children who may or may not see it as the gift that it is. I learned in my Human Growth and Development class that the healthiest families are the most differentiated, meaning you could look at the family and see individuals rather than all members playing a role in the operation of one big machine. My response to Jesus, on this question, "Help me to love my children in such a way that their lives are insulated by Mama love and engaged in the Father's purpose....which is to enjoy His children."

Natural vs Spiritual Law (google)

        Can you imagine that the Creator of the Universe created, knowing all of the possibilities before they happened, for the sole purpose of ENJOYING His creation? He delights in our delight of Him. I told Lucas one day, while listening to TD Jakes, "So Lucas, according to religious tradition, if you do not fulfill my purpose for your life, all of life is crap, everything goes to hell in a hand basket, and this relationship that we have spent 15 years building....means nothing!" Lucas was as appalled as I was, replying with, "Mama, that's wrong! Our relationship is everything on which love lives." Indeed it is. It is our relationship that testifies of the love that is running the connection lines between one person to the other. It is that love that provides a Michelin tire coat for each member of the family, cushioning any fall and providing protection from the blows that come from those who fear they don't have something.
        After these two questions are answered, you can begin to tackle the present. Where is each family member in their personal journey? When you ask this question, you have to divide the heart into its connector cylinders: physical, emotional, spiritual. Where are my children physically? You can go to the library and get a book on Human Growth and Development that will show you the normal stages of development physically, emotionally, socially, morally, etc. You will be hard pressed to find anything spiritual. Children with tender hearts, growing up in church, are no more better off than those who find Jesus as an adult. Here's why. Children can not understand sin until they know to do right and choose not to do it. Honestly, for me, the road is so sacred that I would rather a child live with gusto and passion and eventually finding that Jesus is ALL they are gonna want from this life, than a child who accepts Jesus, abandons the faith altogether, eventually coming back, but carrying around a boat load of sorrow for having lived a life of prodigal son living.

Natural Consequences (google)

      Why is all this important? No gardener would plant tomatoes in the winter just because they had seed available. Seed must be planted in season, on fertile ground, in the correct climate. Parenting is a science. It takes a great deal of practice, and what works for one kid could pierce the heart of another. When I was at home with the boys, I came across a book that was all about disciplining children through teachable moments and natural consequences. It has been invaluable. I allowed nature to teach my children, with me, coming along side, explaining what they had just experienced.
       Right after we had moved to Bella Vista, I was so nervous. New routines are difficult at first, not knowing how the traffic would run, the time it actually took to get children to school and me to work, etc. I got up at 5am, took a shower, then got the boys up, did the morning routine, always going potty before heading out to the bumper to bumper commute to Bentonville. I sat down....with my pants bottoms in a pool of pee. I was fighting mad. I came up the stairs and yelled the boys names. Liam starts crying, saying, "Why is it always the tv?" I answered, "Liam, the tv didn't put that pee on the floor. It has nothing to do with your consequences. The logical consequence is that you need to experience what it's like to sit down in someone else's waste. Therefore, for the next week, you two boys will be sitting down to go potty. And I will follow behind you, making sure you cleaned up after yourself." It worked.
        I wished that I could have used ingenuity to skip out on spanking altogether. I believe my boys will. Children learn best if they are instructed toward their bent. Why would you ever ask a child who is artistic to play sports. If they aren't interested, don't make them do something against their nature. The skills that are learned in sports can also be learned later on in life. For instance, Lucas is on a Forensics Team. He learns how his performance affects the members of his team. He has learned not to eat sugar during competitions because it can cause all sorts of problems that make it impossible for him to do well. If our goal as parents is to discover our children discovering themselves, we are all in for quite a ride.