THE PRICE FOR VOICE

Myth Buster (google)

     It has taken such a long time for me to gather my acquired tools and present them, publicly, without giving the enemy a "head's up." My hope is to prepare any mother who is hearing, for the first, and maybe only, time, that her child has been abused. Because I worked for Department of Human Services as a Child Abuse Investigator, I know protocol....but, I also know the law. No matter how long I have been gone from that place of employment, I am never to reveal my training. To do so, would be endangering the very children my heart is dedicated to protect. So, for better or worse, here we go.
     Much to everyone's surprise, abuse hasn't increased, it's just being revealed, and with a great deal of confidence from the abuser. Because of the internet, and disloyal, ignorant former employers, leaks have happened not only on the internet, but also national news. I was horrified when a well known family, in our home town, was exposed for abusing his sisters as a juvenile. First of all Juvenile Court is closed to anyone not involved in the case, and the information is protected by law....unless big names and money are involved. That's disgusting. Do these people realize the message they gave the little ones who have gotten caught up in the abuse "cycle" were told, by their actions alone, "I am never safe. What's the point?"
     So, the first tool I'm going to give you is SHUT YOUR MOUTH. If your child comes to you and reveals to you that he/she has been touched in private places by a trusted family member, church member, teacher, coach, spouse, do not ask questions. With the most compassion you can muster at that very traumatic, betraying moment, your child is all that matters, and you have to do this correctly, or it all goes to hell in a handbasket. If you haven't washed his/her clothes from the past day, get them, put them in a bag, and put your child in the car. Take him/her to the local Child Abuse Advocacy Center. If you don't have one in your county, take them to the hospital for sexual abuse, and police station for physical abuse. Neglect is a hotline call. In our state, the state police handle all abuse calls. These people are trained on a regular basis on HOW to talk to children, without creating a leading question that would ruin an investigation.
     I know that you need support. I know that you are terrified, angry, etc, but you must not tell anyone while the investigation is going on. If there is a trial, you will more than likely have a "gag order" preventing you from talking to anyone about the abuse, except for a counselor. Counselor's are bound by law to cooperate with law enforcement and the governing agencies in order to protect a child. They have to tell you that up front and you sign an informed consent form. A counselor is a great idea. They are a much needed support for the family.

Hurt (google)

    My second tool is BELIEVE YOUR CHILD, even if you don't want to. Here's why, you could go to jail for not responding appropriately. If you don't believe me, check out state law on "Failure to Protect." If you smoke in the car with a child (October 1, 2015), you can be sited and go to jail. Children are first. Now that they have a voice, parents are guilty until proven innocent. It is the price. It has made a flip in how the law is interpreted. For instance, A parent who struggles with drug addiction, obviously suffers from Neanderthal thinking, and believes their high is more important than ensuring the safety of their child. End of Story. You will get NOOOOO compassion from the Courts or cooperating agencies. Do everything to ensure your child's safety. If you don't, you need to go to jail to get some perspective.
      Here is a huge misconception: Abuse hurts. Well, physical abuse does, but the mind has mechanisms for escape. Thank God for the way He made our mind; it works for us when our feelings and emotions get overwhelmed. As for sexual abuse. If it's rape, it doesn't just hurt, it is traumatic, damaging, mind altering, soul shattering; however, most children who are sexually abused are not raped....right off. There is a long period of grooming. The younger the child when the cycle begins, the more likely they are to see the legal definition of rape, as love. If the abuser is a close family member and has access to the child on a fairly regular basis, you can count on it.

The Threat (google)

     That brings up the third tool: TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. However, if you were sexually, physically abused or neglected as a child, and have never worked on making peace with your past, you can count on your instincts having a "familiar feeling." That makes your response or reaction, dull and suspicious rather than on point. DHS workers have found themselves dumbfounded by parents who not only fail to respond/react to child abuse, but also remain with the offender rather than the child. Guaranteed, they were abused and have had no time, space, or support to work through their own trauma. No matter how hard you try, you can't give what you ain't got.
      Finally, have an EMERGENCY PROCEDURE LIST, posted on the refrigerator. Here's why. When something happens that is outside of the normal functioning of the brain, a list can help "kickstart" training. Also, if you and your spouse are open about how you view abuse (My loyalty to you stops at the maltreatment of any child), the list is a warning to both parents to be on guard concerning interactions with each other and your children. On the list, you will need to have done some research with local police to find out the procedure so that the safety of your children is known and expected by all who pass through your house.
     The Threat is extremely important. So, make a list of your children's "currency." What moves them to feel love? What makes them feel safe? What makes them feel threatened? What or who do they cling to, love most dearly? Offenders don't use the threat "I'll kill you, if you tell," unless they are a stranger. My rapist used, "Do you want us to be divorced like your mom?" I didn't want to be a homewrecker, cause Christians are supposed to be peacemakers. Familiar people know and use their currency against them. For instance, if they have a pet, killing the pet, with whom they share alllll of their feelings cause they will never talk, would be terrifying to the mind trying to deal with trauma. Go with God and work diligently to keep your children safe.